The Worst Diagnosis

my mother has alzeimer's disease. there, i said it. and saying it makes me teary eyed. gives me a lump in my throat. makes me short of breath. this diagnosis was confirmed last week, after she spent several days in the hospital. she was taken there after calling my sister at 7:00 in the morning to say that someone had broken into her house. my sister arrived, minutes later, to find her bedroom completely trashed as if an intruder had, indeed, been there. but there was no intruder. my mother had become confused, disoriented and was apparantly thrashing around the room. my sister found her black and blue, murmuring illogically.

she is out of the hospital now, and all her vital signs are fine. but she can no longer live alone. my sisters are taking turns staying with her, and keeping her at their houses. we want to keep her at home as long as possible, but we know that day will come when we will no longer be able to care for her, she will no longer recognize us. she will be taken to one of those awful hospitals where nobody cares about you. my mother, surrounded by underpaid, overworked strangers, not being able to recognize people she loved.

i don't want to rank diseases, but alzheimer's is the worst diagnosis for someone that you love. time. memory. time. memory. we are all running out of time with her, and she is running out of time and memory. and pretty soon all we will have of her is memories.

since receiving this news, i no longer see in color. it's all black and white and meaningless and stupid.

jb